Bob's Burgers Wiki

Bed & Breakfast[]

Linda: I'm back.

Teddy: What's all this?

Bob: Ugh. We're renting the rooms in our apartment for the long weekend. We're gonna be a Bed & Breakfast. So exciting.

Teddy: I love Bed & Breakfast. They're so quaint.

Louise: Aren't they? Random strangers shedding skin cells all over the house.

Bob: Ugh, I'm against this Bed & Breakfast as much as you can be against something, and still, let it happen.

Teddy: Like when my ex-wife wanted to have a three-way with our neighbour, Ray.

Bob: Teddy, Teddy. I don't think you should be talking about... Wait, you had a three-way with ray, the guy who wears the sales suit down on the pier?

Teddy: Yeah. I mean I wasn't involved, I just watched, but... Yeah.

Gene: I had a three-way in science class yesterday. Tammy's lab partner was absent so she joined in with me and Joey. It was fun.

Bob: Okay, enough.

Linda: Oilies, soapies, extra-expensive toilet paper...

Teddy: I love that soft stuff.

Bob: I thought we were doing this to make extra-money. Isn't all this eating into our profits?

Linda: Don't worry, Bob. It's gonna be money and online reviews and when I die and I go to heaven. God's gonna say "Hey, aren't you the lady who rented the b&b I heard about? And I'm gonna say, "Yes, God. What can I get you?"

Louise: Here, hold this.

Linda: Mm, smell. Come on, smell it.

Bob: You're shoving things in my nose.

Linda: Smell this one now.

Bob: You always do this, Lin. Whenever you entertain, you put way too much effort into it and drive yourself crazy.

Linda: What are you talking about? I'm a wonderful hostess.

Bob: No, Linda. You go overboard and then if people aren't appreciative enough, you snap.

Linda: That's not true. I'm a gifted hostess and I'm ready to go pro.

Tina: It is really soft.

Linda: Put it back on the roll, please.

Louise: But, mom, what if we just put Tina by the toilet?

Gene: Yeah.

Tina: I don't mind.

Linda: Almost check-in time. Tina, Gene, are your rooms guest-ready?

Tina: Yeah.

Gene: Subjective.

Louise: Remember when you made fun of me for moving into a closet? Well now you suckers have to give up your room and I don't.

Linda: A guest! Javi is an entomologist.

Javed: Javed.

Linda: What?

Javed: My name is Javed.

Linda: Alright. What kind of doctor is and entomologist again? Glands, butt?

Javed: Ha, I'm not a butt doctor. I study insects, specifically the mating habit of the myfungal beetle.

Linda: Oh. So what brings you here?

Javed: Myfungal beetles feed on fungus, and this town has a very, very high potency of fungus.

Bob: Uh, that's actually our town motto.

Gene: Fungus town!

Linda: Tina, why don't you show Javeeed...

Javed: Javed.

Linda: His room Jav-ed?

Javed: Javed.

Linda: You'll be in the equestrian suite! Huh?

Javed: Okay.

Bob: That's great he brought a bug in a jar into our house.

Linda: Don't be racist!

Tina: I decorated it myself.

Javed: You Like horses a lot.

Tina: You like jars.

Javed: Oh, these are specimen jars. I intend to mate the queen with a male and preserve her eggs.

Tina: You mean you're gonna watch beetles have sex with each other?

Javed: Mm-hmm.

Tina: Cool. What's that for?

Javed: Ooh, this is a synthetic pheromone. It's similar to what the queen emits when she wants to attract males.

Tina: Does it work on human boys?

Javed: Oh, no. Well, maybe. May I store these in the bathroom?

Tina: Sure. Everyone would love that.

Linda: More guests! Welcome! You must be Ed and Nora Samuels!

Ed Samuels: Yes. Hello.

Laura Samuels: Hi.

Linda: Come on, come in. I'll give you the tour. Okay, this is the salon. This is where we're gonna have the meet-and-greet, and you're just in time!

Ed: Uh...

Laura: Actually, we'd just like to go to our room, if that's okay?

Ed: Right. We'd just like to get settled.

Linda: What? Why? Stay here for the meet-and-greet.

Ed: Maybe we'll come back out in a bit.

Linda: No, stay. It's gonna be fun. Tina, get Javeed!

Tina: I think he's napping.

Linda: Wake him up! So, let's go around and we'll, um, we'll play a little game. Let's say what our most embarrassing moment was. Who wants to go? I'll go. One time I coughed at communion, and the wafer flew right out of my mouth and it landed on my boob! Who wants to go next? Javed?

Javed: I'll take a pass. Get me on the next one.

Louise: What about when dad got a perm?

Bob: It wasn't a perm; It was a body wave.

Linda: You looked like Barbra Streisand in the main event.

Louise: You looked like Barbra Streisand's pubes.

Bob: I did.

Tina: How about how dad says gracias in Mexican restaurants? That's embarrassing.

Linda: Remember the time you asked me to check your prostate and you made a poopie?

Bob: Linda!

Louise: Oh, remember when dad tried to go jogging?

Bob: Oh, come on!

Gene: What about when dad cried at the end of about Schmidt?

Bob: Gene, why are you in your underwear?

Gene: I was eating. What, you want me to get butter all over my clothes?

Louise: Yeah. Now we just take him out back and hose him off.

Gene: You're a doctor is this a mole?

Javed: I'm not a doctor. And that's a raisin.

Gene: Oh edible mole.

Linda: All right, let's let someone else go. Samuels, how about you, what's your most embarrassing moment?

Laura: I don't know. This?

Ed: Yeah, definitely this.

Linda: Hm.

Laura: Are we done?

Linda: Yes, I guess we are done, Nora.

Ed: Are you sure there aren't any rooms available anywhere else?

Javed: No, everything's booked I checked. Ooh, hello.

Linda: Hm.

Gene: I'm cold. My nipples are so pointy! Ding-dong! It's for you.

Laura: Mm-mm.

Gene: Mm-mm.

Laura: Mm-hmm.

Gene: It might be a package You should answer it.

Linda: Yecch!

Bob: Lin, stop stewing and go to sleep.

Linda: I can't help it, Bob! Our guests are such party poopers. All of 'em! No one has any b&b spirit at all!

Bob: Okay, just go to sleep, all right? You'll feel better in the morning.

Linda: Fine! Gene, Gene, your foot is down the back of my underwear.

Gene: It's warm down there My feet are cold.

Bob: Yes, but it's my ass.

Tina: Dad, are you still awake?

Bob: Yes, Tina. I was just talking to Gene, right? A second ago?

Tina: Do you think horses get songs stuck in their heads?

Bob: Oh, my God. I don't know. Tina, go to sleep.

Gene: Dad, do you want any chicken? Don't tell anyone There's just enough for the two of us.

Bob: Just go to sleep, all of you. I'm glad our guests are comfortable, Linda, 'cause this is great!

Linda: Oh! Our guests! They'll appreciate me. I'll just have to try harder next time.

Gene: Hey! I've got a backup.

Bob: I've never been so happy to be at work.

Teddy: Yeah, you opened early today, huh, Bob?

Bob: Well, there was a line to get into the bathroom up in the apartment, so I came down here to do my morning routine in the slop sink.

Linda: Bob, do we have any toothpicks down here?

Bob: Yeah, over there.

Linda: Pretty ones?

Bob: What do you mean, pretty ones, Lin?

Linda: The nice ones.

Teddy: How's the b&b going, Linda?

Linda: Oh, it's great! Why? What'd you hear?

Teddy: What? Nothing. I bet it's magical up there. I picture it like England.

Linda: It is, Teddy, it is. But do they appreciate it? Holed up in their rooms like dirty little gophers?

Teddy: Why come to a b&b if you're not gonna participate, you know?

Linda: Oh, they're so ungrateful!

Teddy: I wish I was staying at your b&b. I'd sit in the parlor, and maybe I'd have a little wine, play some board games...

Linda: Yes! Wine! Games! Teddy, you should stay here.

Teddy: What?

Linda: You should. You're the dream guest.

Teddy: Really?

Linda: You're the one I'm looking for!

Teddy: Do you have any vacancies?

Linda: Yes! Louise's room!

Bob: Whoa, whoa, whoa, Linda, Louise's room? She'd murder us.

Linda: She's a big girl She'll get over it.

Bob: Linda, she won't get over it When you vacuumed in there, she wouldn't talk to you for a week. Plus, it's not even a room; It's, like, a closet.

Teddy: That sounds perfect for me I don't need a lot of room. I'll just bring, like, one outfit.

Linda: Oh, I love it!

Teddy: I'll get my stuff.

Linda: This is gonna be great!

Bob: Well, have fun telling Louise you're kicking her out of her room, Lin. Wear a helmet.

Louise: Ah, ha, ha What are you doing?

Linda: Oh, hi, Louise. I was just...

Louise: Oh, hi, mom.

Linda: Hello.

Louise: You're holding my stuff.

Linda: Hello, my little lady.

Louise: Hello, mom. What are you doing with my stuff?

Linda: I was just welcoming our newest bed-and-breakfast guest into your room.

Louise: Into my room?

Linda: Say hello to Teddy!

Teddy: Hi, Louise. You got wonderful stuff in here. I love, love, love it!

Louise: What?

Teddy: Except for this little guy; he's kind of giving me the creeps.

Louise: This isn't happening! Mother, this isn't happening, right? Has the world gone crazy?!

Linda: Okay, come on, Louise. Let's leave our guest alone.

Louise: You mean your guest, 'cause I did not invite Teddy to come into my room and move my stuff around!

Linda: That's right. Come on. See you in a little bit at the wine-and- cheese mixer, Teddy.

Teddy: Sounds good, Linda.

Louise: And I'll see you in hell, Teddy.

Linda: I'm sorry, Teddy.

Louise: I will see you in hell!

Linda: Where are the Samuels? The cheese is getting sweaty.

Gene: They're in their room. I think they're jumping on the bed. I heard the box spring going crazy.

Teddy: Sounds like they're "busy."

Linda: They should be busy eating cheese and sipping wine.

Gene: What do you mean, they're busy? Like, they got homework?

Linda: No. They're... it's...

Gene: Busy jumping, they can't take a jumping break?

Linda: Ah, Javay! You came back for the wine and cheese! You got to catch up. Chug! Chug! Chug!

Tina: Whoa, look at all those males.

Javed: Yes, Tina! One of these lucky bugs will mate with the queen, and then she will bite off his head.

Tina: So romantic.

Linda: Cheese?

Javed: No, thank you.

Linda: Eat it.

Javed: Mm-mm.

Linda: Aw, have some.

Javed: Mm-mm, mm-mm.

Linda: Open your mouth. Open the mouth.

Javed: Mm, mm.

Linda: Just try it. You're gonna love it. You're gonna love it.

Gene: It's really good.

Linda: Gene, you're over your limit!

Javed: Well, I hate to miss wine and cheese, but it's time for these little fellas to meet their mates. Bye-bye.

Tina: Wait. I want to watch.

Teddy: Well, I'll tell you, Linda, I'm having the time of my life. You're not gonna hear me whining about it. Hey, "whine."

Linda: Everyone should be here for this! They don't know what they're missing!

Louise: I heard the... joke from the... hallway.

Linda: Do you like that, Louise?

Louise: Yeah. Oh, it was... was really funny! Get out of my room.

Teddy: I'm your guest in your room. Did you talk to your mommy?

Louise: It's not my mommy's room; it's my room.

Teddy: No, I know, and I paid $75, and I'm just going to stay in your room for a couple of nights.

Linda: Louise, put some cheese in your mouth.

Louise: Mmm.

Linda: Mmm, isn't that delicious?

Louise: Yeah, it really goes down easy, doesn't it, Teddy?

Teddy: Ow.

Louise: Just so you know, Teddy, you have one hour, then I get real. If I were a pheromone, where would I be? Aha!

Linda: Good night, Javee!

Javed: Oh! Uh... Good night. Crazy lady. She's a nut. Am I right? Oh, you're bad!

Linda: Good night, Teddy!

Teddy: Good night, Linda!

Linda: Sleep tight!

Teddy: Sleep tighter, Lin.

Linda: Don't let the bed bugs bite!

Teddy: I won't. Hey, my pillow smells funny.

Linda: Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh. Good night, Samuels! Oh, woo! I'm sorry! I'm sorry.

Ed: Hey!

Laura: Oh, my God! Oh, God! Could you please close the door?

Ed: Yeah. Oh, my God.

Linda: Okay. Sorry. Sorry.

Laura: No. With you on the other side of it.

Linda: Okay. All right. All right.

Laura: Leave!

Gene: Why is Mr. Samuels wearing handcuffs?

Linda: They are... They are escape artists.

Gene: They are?!

Linda: Yes. Isn't that interesting? Okay, time for bed. Let's go.

Gene: All right, Louise, since you're new here, I'll show you the ropes. That corner of the bed is for eating. This right here is the exercise area.

Tina: This is where I thrash.

Louise: Yeah. I'll stand, thank you very much. Here we go. Have you talked to your mommy? Why don't you talk to your mommy, Teddy? About your new roommates.

Linda: Where is everybody? Careful, Bob. I reused the cheese from yesterday. Some of the omelets have toothpicks in them.

Bob: Ow. Ow. Ah.

Linda: Oh, good morning, Javee! I hope you and your bugs are hungry.

Javed: My appetite is gone, along with several of my specimen jars. They contained my most virile males.

Tina: Oh, no.

Linda: Ah, little insects with wings. How far could they go?

Teddy: Hey, guys. What? Do I have bed head?

Bob: Oh, good God, Teddy.

Javed: My beetles!

Linda: Aah!

Teddy: What?

Gene: Teddy, you've got beetles all over your face.

Teddy: Is that right? I haven't looked in the mirror yet.

Javed: These males are in an extremely amorous state.

Bob: You mean, right now they're trying to mate with Teddy's face?

Javed: Yes.

Tina: Aw.

Linda: Oh, God, Ted. Does it hurt?

Teddy: Nope. Nope. Don't worry about it.

Louise: Teddy, you should probably get to the hospital. You okay to drive?

Teddy: No, I don't need a hospital. I'll be fine. This is still a magical weekend.

Linda: Aw. You know? He's the perfect guest.

Teddy: What's for breakfast?

Linda: Eggs!

Louise: Ugh! Nothing gets to this guy.

Linda: You! I don't know how, but you did this.

Javed: I know how she did it. She used my pheromones on him.

Bob: Okay, well, uh, Linda, everyone, have fun in the b and b. I'll be downstairs in the restaurant. Bye.

Gene: Bye, dad.

Linda: No! You deal with her! She's out of control!

Bob: Okay. Uh, give her her room back.

Linda: No!

Bob: Well, that's all I got. Bye.

Linda: Louise! You're grounded. Go to your room.

Louise: Gladly. That's all I ever wanted.

Linda: No, I mean my room. Go to my room.

Louise: You can't make me.

Linda: Oh, yes, I can, miss Missy.

Louise: I guess you can.

Javed: I've never seen these beetles so aroused.

Teddy: I have that affect on beetles. I haven't had this much action in a while. Are they gonna call me tomorrow? Probably not, right? That's okay.

Gene: Teddy. Making jokes, covered with bugs. You are a man! Damn you! Does anything get to you?

Teddy: There's really only one thing.

Gene: Yeah?

Teddy: Costumed characters. You know, like the ones in amusement parks.

Tina: Really?

Gene: Why?

Teddy: It's the eyes, Gene. Their cold, dead eyes. Watching you while they make love to your wife.

Gene: While they what?!

Teddy: I mean... When they uh Go to birthday parties.

Gene: All right.

Louise: Thank you, Teddy. Oh, thank you, mom's purse. Well, thank you, phone. Yes, I will make a call.

Bob: Oh, I gotcha. Oh, you're sizzling. I love your sound.

Louise: Oh, hello. You have costumed characters, right? Oh, that's great. Ah, I'll take the hippo, the fox...

Linda: Here's a cookie. Here's a cookie.

Louise: A baby bear....

Linda: And here's a cookie.

Louise: And this will be credit card.

Linda: Brought you some cookies! What's going on here?

Ed: Ah, we have to go home.

Linda: What are you talking about? You can't leave. You're on vacation. Sit down, enjoy the cookies, unpack your pointy bra and your whip and whip him. He's a naughty boy.

Ed: I'm a naughty boy.

Linda: Get to it!

Laura: Did you just lock the door? She just locked the door.

Ed: I... I don't know what's going on.

Linda: You can come out when it's time for the ice cream social! You, too! Hey, there's my perfect guest.

Teddy: Hey, Linda.

Linda: I got good news. I'm upgrading you to platinum status!

Teddy: Oh! Platinum status. That sounds fancy.

Linda: It is! You hungry? You want some room service?

Teddy: No. Eh, I guess I can eat.

Linda: What do you want?

Teddy: Uh... bacon burger?

Linda: What?

Teddy: Bacon burger. Bacon...

Linda: First-first word.

Teddy: Bacon.

Linda: One syllable.

Tina: No. Two syllables.

Linda: Two syllables.

Teddy: Oink, oink, oink, oink, oink, oink, oink, oink!

Linda: A pig.

Tina: Dinosaur.

Linda: Bacon!

Teddy: Bacon burger.

Gene: Kevin bacon.

Linda: Second word.

Teddy: Burger.

Gene: Break pads?

Tina: Dinosaur.

Gene: Jurassic park!

Gene: Charades!

Tina: You can't guess charades.

Gene: Yes, you can.

Tina: Oh. Is it charades?

Linda: Cow. Burger! Burger. Bacon burger! All right. Yes. Bacon burger! All right. I can do that. Uh, doorbell. I'll get it.

Gene: Oh, footloose.

Linda: Can I... can I help you?

Fox: Is there a Teddy here?

Linda: Teddy, you've got visitors.

Teddy: One Second.

Animals: We're the fuzzy buddies! Are you Teddy?

Teddy: What's going on here?! No!

Animals: Someone's excited to see the fuzzy buddies. Whoa. You're a big boy oh!

Bob: Oh, my God! Teddy.

Linda: It's almost the ice cream social.

Bob: Linda, what is going on up here? You're losing control of your b and b.

Linda: What are you talking about? Everything is going perfectly.

Bob: Right. Right, Lin, everything's fine.

Teddy: Bob, do you have my bacon burger?

Bob: Oh, yeah, the bacon burger. Here.

Teddy: Oh. Bob, can you help me? I can't chew.

Bob: You need me to feed you?

Teddy: Yeah

Linda: Chew it up for him, like a mama bird.

Bob: Linda, no!

Linda: He's platinum status!

Bob: You're crazy, Linda!

Teddy: It's all right, guys. I got it.

Linda: Perfect guest.

Bob: So let me get this straight. Teddy beat up a bunch of giant animals. You locked Louise in our room, and then you locked the guests in their rooms?

Linda: They were gonna leave before the big ice cream social at 3:00.

Bob: Lin, just give me the key, all right? I'm gonna let them out.

Linda: No.

Bob: Yes.

Linda: No.

Bob: Look at yourself. Look at what you've turned into!

Linda: Oh, all right. All I wanted was a charming bed and breakfast, that's all. Now what am I gonna say to God when I go to heaven? Uh. (Gasps) Uh-oh. I lost the key! Oh, my God, what have I done?

Bob: All right, all right, listen. You know Louise picks locks.

Linda: Louise hates me.

Bob: No, she doesn't hate you, Lin. I'm sure she's broken out of our room already.

Linda: Oh.

Bob: I'm gonna go deal with Teddy. Why don't you try her room?

Linda: Okay. Hi, honey. It's mommy.

Louise: Oh, hello, mother. Please do come in.

Linda: Louise, I'm sorry I rented your room to Teddy and then locked you in our bedroom.

Louise: I accept your apology, mom. Who among us hasn't gone a little overboard from time to time?

Linda: Aw, thanks, sweetie. And you're gonna apologize to Teddy.

Louise: Okay.

Linda: And there's something else I need from you.

Louise: I would just cut it up right now.

Linda: Oh. No, not that. Will you please help me get Javed and the Samuels out of their rooms? I locked them in and I I kind of lost the key.

Louise: There might be something I can do.

Linda: Javed, I'm sorry I locked you in your room. You're free to go if you wish.

Javed: You locked me in my room?

Linda: No.

Javed: She's completely bonkers, isn't she? Look at me when I'm talking to you!

Linda: They're gone. How did they get out of a locked room?

Gene: It was their greatest escape. Look what they left behind. Look. My tongue is trapped. Now it's escaped. Now it's trapped. Now it's escaped.

Louise: Hey, look! They're still climbing down.

Linda: You two all right? You need any help with your bags?

Ed: No. Uh, actually we're stuck.

Laura: Please help us.

Linda: I suppose we could get a ladder. How much did you like my b and b?

Ed: A lot.

Linda: Are you gonna recommend us to your friends?

Laura: Yes!

Linda: Are you gonna leave me your e-mail address?

Both: Yes!

Linda: Get 'em the ladder.

Bob: Uh, thanks for coming. Sorry. Sorry again. Ah, here's something for your trouble.

Bear: Two dollars. Thanks a lot.

Bob: I don't know what to tip in this situation.

Bear: Yeah. Not two dollars.

Bob: Oh, hey, Teddy. Ah, you all right?

Teddy: I think I worked through my issues, Bob. Me and the owl! We're gonna go get a drink. I'm pretty sure there's a woman inside.

Bob: That's a guy, Teddy.

Teddy: Oh, that's a woman.

Bob: The owl was a guy.

Teddy: It's a woman.

Bob: The fox was a girl.

Teddy: Oh. Did the fox leave already?

Bob: Yes.

Teddy: Oh. Linda, you are a delightful hostess.

Linda: Aw, thanks, Teddy!

Teddy: See you at lunch, Bob.

Linda: Well, that was all right. It was pretty good. I give us a b. B plus. A b and b plus!

Gene: My face is sweaty.

Linda: Gene, take that off.

Gene: Never! Oh! Oh! Ow! Ow! Aah!