Bob's Burgers Wiki


Bob: All right, breakfast is served. We got some French toast, eggs in the hole, bacon, and hash browns.

Tina: (whistles)

Louise: Is that it, Dad? You're kind of phoning it in.

Bob: Uh, what can I say? I like making breakfast.

Linda: He's got eggs, and he knows how to use 'em.

Louise: Oops, I dropped some egg.

Tina: Oh, no. If only we had a dog, it would be cleaning that up for us right now.

Bob: Guys, we've been over this. I know that puppy you saw last week was cute, but...

Gene: I beg your pardon.

Tina: "Cute" is not a word that even begins to describe what that puppy was.

Louise: He was like Shirley Temple stuffed inside a teddy bear stuffed inside that kid from Jerry Maguire.

Bob: We can't have a dog. Dogs are expensive... The food, the vet, the Halloween costumes.

Linda: Oh, also having a dog is a lot of work, and you kids hate work. You never do any of your chores. Y-You don't floss.

Bob: Yeah. Hey, weren't we gonna start using a chore wheel?

Linda: That's right. Whose chore was it to make the chore wheel?

Tina: Not me.

Louise: Not me.

Gene: Not me.

Bob: Not me.

Louise: Please, please, please let us have a dog.

Kids: Please?

Bob: Wow, that was good harmony. But no.

Louise: Okay, we didn't want to have to do this, but we drew some pictures of the family. Gene?

Gene: Here we are, dog-less.

Louise: Note how gray and empty we all look.

Linda: What am I holding?

Tina: You've got a knife and you're gonna stab Dad.

Linda: Oh, yeah.

Gene: And here we are with a dog.

Linda: Ooh! I look good.

Louise: Yup. The sun is shining. Look at the light. Look at the color.

Bob: Um, who's the other woman?

Louise: Mom let you get another wife. You met her when you were out walking the dog.

Gene: Her name is Susan. She's a homeopath.

Linda: I like Susan.

Louise: So, can we get a dog?

Both: No.

Tina: Poor Susan.

Linda: Now I'm afraid I'm gonna stab you.

Tina: Wow, that's a long line.

Bob: Yeah. What is going on over there?

Linda: Look. "Now serving brunch and all you can drink Bloody Mary-naras."

Jimmy Pesto: Hey, Bob. I-I see you got a huge line outside your restaurant. (chuckles) Oh, wait, oh, that's me! Zoom.

Trev: Only we do.

Bob: Oh that's very funny, Jimmy.

Jimmy: Yeah, it's called brunch, Bob. Read about it.

Bob: Why don't you read about it?

Jimmy: Yeah, here, read this.

Trev: He's talking about his butt. Like it's a book.

Jimmy: Hey, don't explain it.

Trev: Just clarifying.

Bob: I'm going inside now, so have fun.

Jimmy: There's no line. You should get right in.

Bob: Stupid Jimmy Pesto. Do that many people really go to brunch?

Linda: Yeah. Families, young people, big groups of girlfriends who all just broke off their engagements.

Tina: Maybe we could do brunch. We already serve food.

Bob: Well, I do love cooking eggs.

Linda: It could be fun. And so I said, "I don't get hungry, I get fun-gry."

Gene: Oh, honey, if you're fun-gry, I'm fun-starving.

Tina: I like dating.

Louise: Check, please.

Linda: Let's do it. But I get to be the Carrie.

Gene: Mom, you're the Stanford Blatch and you know it.

Bob: Linda, you wouldn't be going to the brunch, you'd be working at it.

Linda: Oh. Right.

Gene: Sucks for you, Mom.

Bob: Uh, you kids would be working, too.

Tina: Yay.

Louise: Oh, we'd love to, but we have to go to church.

Bob: But look at that line outside Jimmy's. We could really use the money.

Louise: For a dog.

Bob: No.

Linda: Ooh, we could serve mimosas. But we could call 'em Mom-osas, after me.

Gene: Yeah. Or Gene-mosas, after Gene Simmons.

Linda: Okay, let's do it. Let's do a brunch.

Bob: Good, yeah, this'll be great. Bob's Burgers' Brunch. We'll see who has a bigger line tomorrow, Jimmy.

Mr. Fischoeder: Hello, Belchers. How are we today?

Bob: Uh-uh, hi, Mr. Fischoeder. Can, Uh, can we help you with something? We-we sent you the rent. It was very late, but...

Mr. Fischoeder: Right. Yes. Uh, thank you.

Bob: Do you want to see a menu?

Mr. Fischoeder: (chuckles) Oh, no. No. No, I do not want to eat your food, Bob. I'm actually looking for my brother, Felix. You haven't seen him, have you?

Linda: No. How long has he been gone? Do you think he's okay?

Mr. Fischoeder: Oh, I'm sure he's fine. Uh, it's just that "Crocodile Rock," uh, came on the radio and I don't want, uh I don't want him to miss it.

Gene: I love that song. It's about when The Rock was young.

Bob: Ugh. Louise, I asked you to take this out to the Dumpster last night.

Louise: Oh, the Dumpster Dumpster. I thought you meant something else.

Bob: Go. Now.

Louise: Okay. See? See how much I love to work?

Bob: I see. We still aren't getting a dog.

Louise: I'll break you yet, Robert Belcher. Felix?

Felix: Shh! I'm hiding.

Louise: Well, Mr. Fischoeder is inside looking for you.

Felix: What?! Oh, no, no, no, no, no. That's who I'm hiding from.

Louise: Why?

Felix: I can't tell you, but let's just say that I'm in a lot of danger if he finds me. Oh, did he already look around in there?

Louise: Yup.

Felix: Then that's where I should hide. Now that he's looked in there, that spot'll be good for hours. Hey, if I came back later, could you let me in?

Louise: What's in it for me?

Felix: What do you want?

Louise: I want a lot of things, Felix. But right now I want money for a dog.

Felix: You owe a dog money?

Louise: No. (sighs) What would you say to $250?

Felix: I'd take it.

Louise: No, you pay me.

Felix: That's okay, too.

Louise: All right, we'll hide you.

Felix: Great. I'll be back later tonight. And one more thing you can't tell anyone you saw me. You have no idea what's at stake. Now, if you don't mind, I'd like to finish my garbage fries. What did I do with my garbage ketchup?

Mr. Fischoeder: Hmm. I thought for sure I would find him in this area. He always turns up in the dirtiest places.

Bob: W-Wait, what?

Mr. Fischoeder: Oh, did I say dirty? I meant dingy.

Bob: Louise, you still have the trash.

Louise: Ha! I do. Crazy me. So forgetful.

Mr. Fischoeder: Hmm. You were out there an awfully long time and yet you did not throw the trash away. Talking to someone, were we?

Louise: What? No.

Mr. Fischoeder: Bob, mind if I poke my head in your alley, so to speak? (sniffs) He was here!

Linda: He was?

Mr. Fischoeder: Oh, yes. If he wasn't, then who does this belong to?

Bob: Wha... I don't see it. W-What are you talking about?

Mr. Fischoeder: It's a hair. A single, limp, blonde hair. A hair I'd know anywhere.

Louise: That's crazy. We get all kinds of blondes in this alley. We have to shoo them away with a broom.

Bob: Well, this has been really fun and, uh, not weird at all, but we better get back to our dingy lives.

Mr. Fischoeder: All right. Cheers, pink ears.

Gene: What was that all about? Are you two dating?

Louise: No, but we are going to hide his brother in our basement.

Gene: Nice. I knew it was one or the other.

Felix: Granny! That hurt my sweet little fingers.

Linda: Okay, your Dad and I have to run a few errands for brunch tomorrow.

Bob: I'm making a topless burger with a fried egg and hollandaise that is really complicated, so...

Gene: Wait, are you topless or the burger?

Bob: Hmm. We'll see.

Linda: All right, bye, bye, bye. (kisses) Stay out of my room!

Bob: My room, too.

Linda: Stay out of our room!

Gene: Okay, sister, spill.

Tina: Spill what?

Gene: Apparently, we're going to hide a man in our basement?

Tina: Go on.

Louise: Well, a Felix.

Tina: Oh.

Louise: Psst! Okay, so we brought you down a blanket, a pillow...

Gene: (mouth full) Some potato chips. No, wait, never mind.

Tina: Here's a DVD of Prelude to a Kiss starring Meg Ryan. I mean, there's no DVD player down here and we lost the DVD that...

Felix: Oh, don't worry. I've hidden in much more boring places than this for much longer than one night. I just need to stay hidden until 12:30 p.m. tomorrow, and then I win.

Louise: W-Wait. Win what? You said you were in danger, and I took advantage of that for money.

Felix: In danger of not winning hide-and-seek. We play every year on our birthdays. The birthday boy hides, and the non-birthday boy seeks.

Tina: It's your birthday?

Felix: Oh, no. My birthday was 19 days ago.

Tina: You've been hiding for 19 days?

Felix: Smell me.

Gene: Huh. I'd say 15.

Felix: And if I make it to 20, I beat my brother's record.

Louise: Why aren't you hiding somewhere cool, like Europe?

Gene: Or the Upside Down.

Felix: Well, the rules are you have to stay in town, you can't carry any money, and you can't kill anyone to keep them quiet.

Gene: Can you kill them just to send a message?

Louise: Wh-When you say "no money," we're still getting our $250 of sweet, sweet dog cash, right?

Felix: Yes. Keep me hidden till 12:30 p.m. tomorrow, and I'll make it $251.

Tina: Whoa.

Felix: But if Calvin finds me before then, you get nothing.

Gene: You really think Mom and Dad will let us get a dog if we have that money?

Louise: Sure, that'll cover a couple months' expenses. And then do you really think they'll want to give an adorable little fur-ball back? I mean, they kept Tina, and she can't even shake a paw.

Tina: I'm working on it.

Bob: Well, hello, eggs. "Hi!" You guys ready to be in some amazing frittatas? "We sure are!" You guys seem pretty egg-cited. Get it? (laughs) "You're really funny!" Thank you.

Linda: Hey, Bob, if you're done talking to the eggs, come out here and take a look at this.

Bob: Sorry, I have to go talk to my wife. "Run away with us, Bob." I can't. Well, maybe. W-We'll see.

Linda: (hums) Is it great or what? I even drew a little champagne glass, you see? Good morning, sleepy-beepies!

Louise: Oh, hey, Mom and Dad. How are you? Good morning. You guys sure got up early and snuck out of the house. How's it going? Have you been down in the basement?

Bob: Um, yeah, of course we have. Why?

Tina: Oh, cool. Very cool. How was it?

Linda: It was the basement. What the hell is going on?

Gene: (giggles nervously) Not much. How are you doin'?

Bob: Um, you guys are acting really weird.

Gene: (laughs) You're acting really weird.

Bob: Okay, well, can someone go get me some tomatoes from the walk-in?

Louise: Me!

Tina: On it!

Gene: Yep!

Bob: What was that all about?

Linda: Oh, it's probably all part of this dog thing.

Bob: Oh, right. We're never getting a dog, right?

Linda: No way.

Bob: Okay, good.

Linda: If anything, maybe a monkey.

Bob: Right. Wait, what?

Linda: Monkey.

Tina: Felix, it's us, Tina, Louise, and Gene Belcher from upstairs.

Felix: (muffled) I'm back here!

Gene: He's like a human Karma Chameleon.

Felix: (winded) I had to tuck myself in here this morning when your parents came down. But I had a nice head of lettuce for breakfast, and I'm feeling okay.

Tina: Aren't you cold?

Felix: Yes! I think I might lose a toe. But it'll all be worth it to see the look on Calvin's dumb, warm face when I break his record.

Louise: Okay, you need warmer clothes. We can get some, but we'll have to distract Mom and Dad so they don't ask questions.

Gene: We could say something like, "Don't look in the basement. There's no man down there." Huh?

Louise: Here are those tomatoes you ordered, Father. And now we're going to just pop upstairs for a second because we have a little surprise for you.

Linda: Good surprise or bad surprise? Eh, surprise me.

Tina: Y'all ready for this? Introducing (humming fanfare) Brunchsquatch!

Linda: Oh, my God, I love it! Brunchsquatch! Aw! Cute little construction paper bacon and eggs. Bob, do you love it?

Bob: Yeah, it's a good idea. We can send him outside to drum up business.

Louise: Okay, Brunchsquatch distraction was a success.

Felix: Little help? Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow. In.

Linda: Ooh, look, a line! We're like a nightclub!

Gene: Or an understaffed drugstore.

Bob: That's great! In your face, Jimmy. Okay, quick meeting, everybody. Gather round. Wh-Where's Louise?

Tina: Bathroom.

Gene: Mexico.

Bob: All right, well, when she's back, she's running food. Linda, you greet 'em and seat 'em. Tina, you're on busing and water and picking up weird stuff off the floor.

Tina: How do I know if it's weird? Like that Band-Aid. Weird? Not weird?

Bob: Gene, you go outside, do your thing, and bring 'em in.

Gene: I'll shake my little benedicts! Bum, bum, bum!

Bob: No, no, no. Don't don't do that. Just... No, no, no.

Gene: Roar! I'm a little tiger!

Bob: Gene, don't do that. No, no.

Gene: I'm a sexy little tiger.

Bob: Don't do that. Yeah! Please, no. Just get customers.

Gene: Shake, shake, shake.

Bob: I'll be in the kitchen, making the world's best brunch. On three. One, two... Okay, you're... you're opening the door.

Linda: Hello! I'm Linda. Welcome to Bob's Burg...

Dalton: I'm here! Dame Judi Brunch, as you live and breathe. Yes, it's really me. Yes, I'm really here. Yes, let's really have brunch.

Linda: I'm sorry. Dame Who-Di-what? What is it?

Dalton: Wait. Oh, my God. This is adorable. You don't know who I am.

Linda: I don't.

Dalton: She doesn't know who I am. Okay, I love you. Um, okay, of course, this is your first brunch day, so how could you? My real name is Dalton, but I write a blog, Brunch Drunk Love, under the name Dame Judi Brunch.

Linda: Wow! And this is Jennifer, other Jennifer, and Greg.

Both: Hi.

Linda: So you said you write a brunch blog. I'd love to see that. How do I find it? Do I, uh I blog dot net or something? Or I just print it out? Or what do I do?

Dalton: Oh, my God, so funny! Okay, now, what is that? What am I looking at?

Linda: That is my son. He's Brunchsquatch.

Dalton: Stop it. I'm dying.

Linda: No, you stop it. Don't die.

Dalton: I won't. I'm dying. I won't stop. Okay, so, first things first, bring us two mimosas each. And we'll look at the menu. Never stop being you.

Linda: Oh, my God, I can't believe I just met a blogger.

Linda: Wow, it's really filled up! We're having a buncha brunch!

Teddy: Linda, this orange juice tastes a little off.

Linda: Well, it's got champagne in it, Teddy.

Teddy: What? I had four of 'em!

Linda: Well, why'd you drink so many if you thought they tasted weird?

Teddy: I wanted to fit in.

Linda: Oh, you. Ooh, you want a little more?

Teddy: Maybe. Maybe half a glass.

Bob: Linda, where are the orders?

Linda: Well, no one's ordered food yet. They sure love the Mom-osas though, huh?

Bob: Louise, there you are.

Louise: What? Nothing.

Bob: Okay. Uh, go take some orders. These people need to have food with their alcohol.

Louise: You got it.

Mr. Fischoeder: Oh, hello, little Belcher! Thought I'd stop by for brunch. I left something here yesterday, and I've come back for him.

Linda: Mr. Fischoeder, hello! Um, do you want brunch?

Mr. Fischoeder: Yes. One brunch, please, Linda. I've been searching for brunch all over town, and I've come to believe it's here.

Linda: It is here. So, I'm gonna go get you a Mom-osa. Get it?

Mr. Fischoeder: You get it.

Linda: I will, I will.

Mr. Fischoeder: So, child of Bob, where do you think that sneaky little brunch might be hiding?

Louise: Well, landlord of Bob, I don't know what you're talking about.

Teddy: Am I drunk or are you guys having a weird conversation?

Mr. Fischoeder: Both.

Louise: Both. So, some news. You're gonna want to stay put, because your brother is upstairs.

Felix: What?!

Louise: It's okay. He's way up there, and you're way down here.

Felix: You don't understand! He's like a bloodhound. And now I'm trapped.

Louise: Geez. Calm down. Gah. I will take care of this. Just stay here, stay warm, and, for God's sake, stop eating all the lettuce. It's not even washed.

Bob: "Why aren't more people ordering us, Bob?" I-I have no idea, eggs. I mean, I'm sure they will v-very soon.

Linda: Order up. Tell your eggs.

Bob: Okay. Here we go. One frittata for table five. Wait, there's, like, seven people crammed in that booth. They just want one frittata?

Linda: Guess they aren't hungry. So far, the only person who ordered a lot is The Dame. His table got one of everything.

Bob: Wait. Why are you calling him "The Dame"?

Linda: He's Dame Judi Brunch and he runs a blog about brunch.

Bob: Oh, cool.

Linda: Back off. He's mine. I'll go ask him what we're doing wrong. Maybe we didn't make the right kind of food or something.

Bob: Shh, shh. Don't listen to her, eggs. You guys are perfect. "We don't like her." She's just jealous of us. "We know."

Louise: All right. We need to figure out a way to get Felix out of the basement without Mr. Fischoeder seeing him.

Tina: This seems like what the phrase "Hey, look over there" was born for.

Gene: Whew, I need to pee and I feel like I shouldn't do it out there on the sidewalk again. People did not like that.

Louise: (gasps) Yes, Gene, that's it. You do need to pee.

Gene: I love how excited you are about this.

Louise: No, no, no, listen, listen. Come here.

Mr. Fischoeder: So, why did you agree to hide Felix, Louise? Did he offer to pay you?

Louise: Did who offer to pay me? (quietly) And do you want to pay me more?

Mr. Fischoeder: (laughs) No, I-I-I don't need to. My hide-and-seek record has stood for 15 years. The closer it gets to 12:30, the more fun it will be to see his face when I find him. And I know exactly where he is.

Louise: Oh, really?

Mr. Fischoeder: Yes. He's in the basement.

Louise: What? That's crazy. Well, he's...

Mr. Fischoeder: And I'll be there, too, very soon. But for now, I'm going to sit here, drink this terrible mimosa and let him think that he's going to make it to 12:30.

Teddy: Well, I better go before I embarrass myself. You know what? Maybe I'll just...

Linda: So, Dame, how do you like your food? Where do we fall on the brunch-o-meter?

Dalton: How do I like this brunch? How do I ugh. How can you even ask me that?

Linda: Oh, I mean, uh...

Dalton: I don't like it. I love it.

Linda: You do?

Dalton: The Frittata Have Faith? The Waffle Truth? I almost literally never say this word, but this brunch is amazeballs.

Other Jennifer: He says that all the time.

Greg: He never says that. Wait. What?

Linda: Well, do you know why no one else is ordering anything?

Dalton: Oh, no, Linda.

Linda: Oh, no, what?

Dalton: Linda, please tell me you have a meal-per-P-minimum?

Linda: A PP what? A PP what?

Dalton: Okay, okay. If you read my blog, you would know this. A meal per person minimum. Look around. You've got a restaurant full of brunch skunks.

Linda: Oh, no. Not brunch skunks! What are those? What are those?

Woman: Oops. Ugh. We need new glasses!

Dalton: That is a brunch skunk, Linda. They're just here for the bottomless mimosas. You didn't say they each had to order a meal, so they've got empty stomachs, and (gasps) Oh, my God! Are these drinks not watered down?!

Linda: Of course not. Who waters down a mimosa?

Dalton: First of all, I know. But second, it's brunch. Okay? We went to that place across the street yesterday. I had 16 Bloody Marys and I wasn't even buzzed.

Jennifer: I had 20.

Other Jennifer: She had 20.

Greg: We all drove home.

Linda: Oh, my God.

Dalton: And once the skunks settle in, it's almost impossible to kick them out. They're like bedbugs. I've seen brunch skunks throw up in their booths, and just keep drinking. I've seen a boy brunch skunk fight his way out of an ambulance to try to get back into a restaurant for more drinks. This is bad, Linda. This is very bad.

Linda: Oh, God. I got to go tell Bob!

Dalton: Yes, you do. But before you do that, could you be a lil' cabbage and grab us another round of Mom-osas and some more jalapeno aioli for our burgers? Love you.

Linda: Yeah, yeah, yeah! Okay, okay!

Mr. Fischoeder: Well, I guess it's time to go crush someone's dreams.

Teddy: Mine?

Mr. Fischoeder: No. No, my good man. Someone clearly beat me to that.

Teddy: Oh, good.

Mr. Fischoeder: Oh. Pardon me, breakfast monster.

Bob: Gene, wait. I-I need your help. Stay here.

Mr. Fischoeder: Bob, I'm going down to check your basement for leaks and Felixes and whatnot before the winter season.

Bob: That's um, uh, okay.

Linda: Bob! Bob! We got brunch skunks!

Bob: What?

Linda: Brunch skunks! These people just came for the drinks. Skunky little booze hounds.

Customer: Miss, miss. We need more drinks over here!

Bob: That a brunch skunk?

Linda: Yes, definitely a brunch skunk.

Customer: (retches) Wait. Whose purse is this?

Bob: Oh, crap. Okay, we can save this. We'll just tell all these people they have to go, and then we'll seat everyone in line and tell them that they have to order a meal.

Linda: Okay.

Bob: Gene, go bus the tables. Take every glass, even if it's full. Louise, Tina, help your brother.

Louise: Sure. But shouldn't Gene go back outside, probably?

Bob: No. No, no, no. W-We need you guys in here. And, Linda.

Linda: What?

Bob: You got to start giving out checks.

Linda: I know, I know.

Bob: Be brave.

Mr. Fischoeder: Felix. I'm gonna getcha. I'm a-comin' to get you. You'll never get away. I got you now. I can smell you breathing, Felix. Caught you just at the last second.

Gene: Hi.

Mr. Fischoeder: Damn it!

Linda: So, this is your check. I'm putting it down right here.

Woman: I don't remember asking for the check.

Man: I want more drinks.

Linda: Okay, well, no. We actually have to cut you off. I'm sorry.

Woman: The sign says "bottom-less drinks."

Woman: You can't just add a bottom. That's illegal.

Man: I'm calling 911.

Linda: I'm sorry, but you have to go. In fact all of you, you all have to go!

Dalton: Oh, Linda, no.

Linda: Ow, my face!

Woman: I'm gonna get my own drink.

Linda: No, no, no. No, you aren't. Sit down.

Woman: Ow, ow, ow. You're walking on my legs.

Mr. Fischoeder: Gotcha.

Louise: Felix, run!

Man: Brunch brawl!

Bob: Mr. Fischoeder, what are you doing?! Get off Gene!

Gene: You rang?

Bob: Gene? Wait. Who's in the suit?

Gene: Felix Fischoeder.

Bob: Sure. Makes perfect sense.

Linda: Whoa, whoa, whoa. What are you doing?

Bob: Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

Felix: No! No, it's not me! It's not me! I'm not Felix!

Mr. Fischoeder: Ha! 12:29! 12:29!

Louise: No!

Man: 911 is here! Now you're gonna be in big trouble.

Tina: So this is brunch, huh?

Gene: I love it.

Linda: Ah, thank God they're all gone.

Bob: The cops were nice.

Tina: And we learned the police code for brunch brawl: ten-ten over easy.

Mr. Fischoeder: Well, you didn't beat my record, but you still get a birthday present, just like always. Should we go pick out a car?

Felix: Yes, yes, yes, yes. Yay, car!

Linda: I can't believe you guys hid Felix in the restaurant and we didn't even know.

Louise: Yeah, and we fed him and took care of him.

Linda: Aw, that's nice.

Tina: So that probably means we could get a dog?

Linda: It does not mean that at all.

Teddy: You guys serving lunch yet?

Bob: Uh... Yeah, sure.

Louise: Lunchsquatch!

Gene: Yay!

Linda: And so I said, "I don't get hungry, I get fun-gry."

Dalton: Linda, that's amazing. I'm putting that on a shirt, and I'm wearing it absolutely everywhere.

Bob: Brunch is served.

Dalton: Bob, I cannot believe you cooked me a private brunch. Of all the private brunches I'm gonna go to this weekend, this will probably be the best.

Bob: Oh. Well, uh, thanks for, uh, bringing your dog. My-my kids appreciate it.

Louise: Yeah, here's a picture of all of us and you and the dog.

Dalton: Okay, what are you guys doing to me there?

Tina: Oh, we're stabbing you so we can keep your dog.

Gene: I'm using a pitchfork.

Dalton: I feel really unsafe right now, and that's not funny. Just kidding, I love it. But am I wearing flip-flops? Because no.

Louise: Okay, everybody, start stabbing on the count of three!