Bob's Burgers Wiki
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Bob: The landlord, Mr. Fischoeder is coming over to talk about the lease, and we don't know if he's gonna renew.
Linda: He'll renew!
Bob: Well, we haven't always paid our rent on time.
Linda: We never pay our rent on time!

Gene: I'll play my triangle! (starts playing triangle) Ding-da-da-ding, da-da-ding, da-da-ding—
Bob: NO. (takes triangle from Gene)
Gene: YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND MY MUSIC!

Mr. Fischoeder: Bob, Linda, your children are refusing to acknowledge me.
Bob: Uh, kids, stop doing that. Acknowledge Mr. Fischoeder right now.
(Tina, Gene, Louise start bombarding Mr. Fischoeder with questions)
Gene: Are you a superhero?
Tina: Can I feel your hair?
Bob: STOP, stop. Go clean something now, all of you.

Mr. Fischoeder: Oh, no offense, Bob, but I have a policy that I don't dine at any of my tenants' establishments.
Bob: Oh. But I saw you eating at Doucie Sushi.
Mr. Fischoeder: That's different. That place is incredible! Have you tried their starfish? It melts in your mouth.
(No one replies)
Mr. Fischoeder: No? Nobody? (looks at Tina) You?
Tina: No.

Bob: Well, Jimmy Pesto's is a pizza place, if you're into that kind of thing—pizza. (chuckles) Stupid.
Tina: I like pizza.
Gene: PIZZA? Where's pizza?!
Bob: Shush.

Mr. Fischoeder: I enjoy you, Bob. Your mustache—it's fascinating. (starts touching Bob's mustache)
Bob: Thank you.
Mr. Fischoeder: Do you mind if I—
Bob: You're touching it.
Mr. Fischoeder: Yeah. I—
Bob: That's— Yeah, you're—
Mr. Fischoeder: It's really something.
Bob: Thank you.
Mr. Fischoeder: Thank you.

Mr. Fischoeder: Listen, Jimmy Pesto has tendered an offer on this space.
Bob: JIMMY PESTO? He wants to move over here?
Mr. Fischoeder: Yes, he wants to move his gift shop over here.
Bob: GIFT SHOP!?
Gene: This would be an AMAZING gift shop! (gasps) I can do all my Christmas shopping here!
Mr. Fischoeder: Yes!

(Mr. Fischoeder starts choking on Bob's burger, and the Belchers are trying to save him)
Bob: How do I do it?
Louise: You just push!
Bob: What do I do?
Louise: Push on his belly!
Gene: Hit him in the crotch!
Bob: NO, Gene! Don't hit him in the crotch.
Gene: YES! Hit him in the crotch!
Tina: I'll hold his hair.
Linda: Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
Bob: Linda, please.
Linda: Oh, my God!
Louise: WOW! He's turning blue!
Gene: Put his hand in warm water!
Bob: He can't die! He cannot die in here!
Gene: (gestures) Let's move him outside.
Bob: NO! Everybody, hands around him! Group Heimlich!
(The Belchers hug Mr. Fischoeder)
The Belchers: One, two, three! (grunts)
(Mr. Fischoeder spits out the food choking him, and it lands on Gene's shirt)
Bob: THERE IT IS!
Louise: Holy crap!
Mr. Fischoeder: God—
Bob: Give him some room, kids.
Linda: Give him room!
Mr. Fischoeder: Oh. Ow.
Bob: So, um—
Mr. Fischoeder: Ow.
Bob: Did you, uh— Did you like it?
Mr. Fischoeder: (groans) Your rent is due Friday night. And if you're late, I'm giving your lease to Jimmy Pesto.
(Bob gasps)
Tina: (takes the chewed up food from Gene's shirt) Do you want to me to pack this to go?
Gene: You're gonna want fries with that!

Linda: (talking to Teddy and Mort) So, Mr. Fischoeder's okay.
Bob: But we've got to pay the rent in full by tomorrow night.
Teddy: (amused) Paying the rent in full.
Mort: What's next? Paying your other bills?

Bob: Jimmy. Fricking. Pesto.
Linda: (disappointed) Oh, Bob.

Bob: (watching Jimmy Pesto singing at his pizzeria in his unlit restaurant in the middle of the night) AHHHHH—

Bob: Why does Tina have to like Jimmy Pesto Jr.? Of all the thirteen-year-old boys in the world.
Linda: Eh, she likes them too. It's kind of romantic, though! (narrates) Two families at war, a budding romance. It's like West Side Story!
Bob: Ugh.
Linda: (starts singing and snapping her fingers) Du-dun! Du-dun! Du-dun! Rumble!
Bob: Stop.
Linda: Dun-dun-dun!

(at Wagstaff's cafeteria)
Ollie: (to Louise and Gene) Let's be best friends forever!
Louise: Okay.
Andy: Let's cut our hands and press them together and become blood brothers!
Gene: Okay! (tries cutting his hand with a plastic knife)
Ollie: No, spit brothers! (spits in his hand) Spit in your hand and then shake.
Gene: Let's do both! (spits in his hand and resumes to cut his hand)
Louise: Sorry. I'm saving my spit and blood for my honeymoon.
Ollie: (to Andy) Let's rub our eyes together! You can get my pink eye!
Andy: Okay!
Andy and Ollie: (both of them start head butting each other in the eyes) Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ooh!
Gene: (watches this unfold) So hard to be friends these days.

Bob: (sees Jimmy Pesto now serving burgers) That's it. It's time for a showdown. (takes off apron)
Linda: Alright! (starts singing and snapping her fingers) We're going to a rumble.
Bob: (to Linda) I'm gonna confront him!
Linda: (singing) Gonna, confront him!
Bob: Confront him right in the face!
Linda: (singing) Yeah, right in his handsome face!
Bob: What?
Linda: What?
Bob: You said "handsome face."
Gene: You did.
Linda: It's a—
Louise: "Right in his handsome face."
Linda: I know what I said!
Bob: You think he's handsome?
Tina: God, yes.
Linda: NO, I'm saying it with anger, like "you handsome face!" He's so handsome and you wanna—you wanna punch him. (looks at Jimmy from a distance) He looks like Tom Selleck. When I die, I want you to cremate me and throw my ashes in Tom Selleck's face.
Bob: (wheezing laugh) That's a crazy request!
Gene: I get it.

(the Belcher kids are watching their parents from their restaurant confronting Jimmy at his pizzeria)
Louise: (to Tina and Gene) Kids, watch the restaurant. (leaves to go to Jimmy Pesto's)
Gene: Tina, watch the restaurant. (leaves to go to Jimmy Pesto's)
Tina: Restaurant, we both know you can handle this. Call me if you need me. Love you. (leaves to go to Jimmy Pesto's)

(at Jimmy Pesto's Pizzeria)
Trev: (to Bob and Linda) Jimmy said he'll be right out. You wanna try a Pesto-colada?
Linda: Yeah, sure.
Bob: Lin!
Linda: What? Free drink.

Louise: I want some action. I need some action.

Tina: (looking at Jimmy Jr. work at the pizzeria) Busing tables has never looked so sensual.
Gene: Yet so menial.
Tina: Yeah.

Jimmy: Bob of Bob's Burgers.
Bob: Jimmy so-called Pesto of Jimmy Pesto's. Let's skip the niceties, shall we?
Trev: (giving Linda her drink) Pesto-colada for the lady—on the house.
Linda: Thank you.
Bob: Except for that nicety.

Bob: What are you doing, Jimmy POPLOPOVICH?
Jimmy: Woah.
(Linda audibly enjoys her Pesto-colada)
Bob: Yeah. Your name—is not what it says—
Linda: (continuing to enjoy her drink) Mm... Mm!
Bob: Lin!
Linda: Mmm. Yum!
Bob: (chuckles) Stop.
Linda: (to the drink) That's good.

Bob: Come on, Linda, we're leaving!
Linda: (slurps the rest of her drink and puts it on the counter) Hmph!

(The Belchers are coming up with ways to get back at Jimmy Pesto)
Louise: When I was young and naive, I would've said "arson," but I'm gonna go with Vodou.
Bob: Huh. I like arson.
Louise: No, seriously Dad—Vodou.
Bob: No.
Louise: I have a book. No, I have a book!

Bob: Forget Vodou, we're doing flyers.
Louise: (in disbelief) WHAT? Whose candy-ass idea was that?

(in Science class)
Louise: (to Andy and Ollie) Can you get a lock of your brother's hair?
Andy: (pulls out a clump of Jimmy Jr.'s hair) Yup.
Louise: (in disgust) Augh!
Andy (to Ollie) And you said I was crazy for carrying this around! (shoves it in Ollie's face) Now, who's laughing? (laughing) Me!
Andy and Ollie: (both of them start head butting each other in the eyes) Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow.

(the Belcher kids return from school with Andy and Ollie)
Louise: Mom, Andy and Ollie are helping me with a school project. I'm gonna need fifteen potatoes and a lock of hair from you and Dad. And rum and cigars, if you have any.
Linda: What, what's this for?
Louise: English.

(Bob is making mini Meatsiah burgers with his family watching)
Bob: These samples are gonna get us our rent money tonight, so we can keep this place.
Tina: How are free samples gonna get us money?
Bob: They'll try the samples, and they'll love them, but they'll want more. MORE! They'll be craving these burgers, itching to get their fix!
Gene: Like heroin!
Bob THAT'S RIGHT, SON! LIKE HEROIN!
Gene: YES!

(Louise, Andy, and Oliie are in Louise's family's restaurant's basement performing a Vodou ritual)
Andy: We want to stay here.
Ollie: Forever. We wanna stay here forever and ever.
Andy: We want to be buried here!
Ollie: Buried here!
Louise: OKAAY. I'll bury you when I get back.

(Bob is at Jimmy Pesto's Pizzeria in Gene's burger outfit, ready to pass out his samples)
Jimmy: (referring to Bob's costume) It's a little small on you. A little tight in the pickles, huh?

(Bob's family and friends are all at Jimmy Pesto's Pizzeria: Gene is performing, and Louise is accompanying him with drums; Tina is slow dancing to the music, and Linda is watching Gene perform; Teddy and Mort are just eating there)
Bob: (looking at his family, Teddy, and Mort) AND YOU PEOPLE. TRAITORS! TRAITOR FAMILY!
Linda: It's Gene's first public performance!
Gene: You could've had me at the ground floor, Dad. Now I play the big rooms.
Linda: You gotta let the kids have a little fun.
Bob: WE HAVE FUN, LINDA! WE-HAVE-LOTS-OF-FUN!
Linda: (looking at Bob's burger outfit) What's he wearing?
Gene: My bun suit.
Louise: With a few extra buns hanging out the back (literally does a rim shot) Ooh! Hey, Dad! I'm playing the drums!
Bob: OH, I'M SO HAPPY YOU'RE PLAYING DRUMS, LOUISE!
Jimmy: Hey, you know what? You should keep your freaky kids locked up in your own place.
Bob: What did you just say about my kids?
Linda: (to Bob) HIT HIM IN HIS HANDSOME GROIN!

(everyone goes to Bob's restaurant)
Andy and Ollie: (sees their father Jimmy) Daddy!
Jimmy: Andy, Ollie, what are you doing here?
Andy and Ollie: Vodou!
Jimmy: What?
Andy and Ollie: Vodou!
Ollie: Yeah, and we switched underpants!
Bob: (to Jimmy) These are you kids? And you thought my kids were freaky?
Jimmmy: (to Andy and Ollie) Come on, boys. We're leaving.
Andy: No, we wanna staay!
Ollie: Yeah, it's fun here!
Bob: Yeah, Jimmy. It's fun here.
(Tina, Gene, and Louise grumble in disagreement)
Bob: Shush.

Jimmy Jr.: NO, DAD. I'M GONNA DANCE WITH TRACY.
Tina: Tina.
Jimmy Jr.: TINA.

Louise: Yup, Vodou works. I AM A GOD!

(end credits sequence)
Bob: DA-DA-DA-DA-DA-DA-DA-DA-DA-DA-DA-DA-DA-DA-DING!
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