Bob's Burgers Wiki
(Linda is frantically cleaning up the kitchen while Bob is reading the newspaper at the table)
Linda: Bob, no more newspaper, please? My parents are gonna be here any minute!
Bob: I know. You know how they're coming? Because you go into a crazy cleaning frenzy, every time. It's like the ways animals freak out before an earthquake.

Linda: Trust me, Bobby. My mother will notice that our ceiling is leaking.
Bob: Yeah, you're right. She will—repeatedly and loudly.

Bob: So where are Grandma and Grandpa gonna sleep?
Louise: Gene's room smells like farts.
Gene: That makes sense.
Bob: Great, well we'll put 'em in there then. Maybe they'll leave sooner when they smell farts.
Gene: Yeeah.

Tina: Gene can sleep with me in my room as long as he doesn't mind my night terrors.
Bob: Huh?
Tina: Remember you let me watch Night of the Living Dead when I was eight? So now I wake up every night standing in the middle of my room, scratching the air and kicking.
Gene: Oh, good.
Bob: Wait. You still get those?
Tina: Yeah. They're weirder now.
Bob: Oh, boy.
Tina: I think my subconscious fears and my budding sexuality are getting all mixed up—
Bob: Okay, Tina I don't want to hear about this—
Tina: So I think I'm being attacked by zombies and I start screaming, "Do you wanna make out?" And I make out with it.
(a moment of silence)
Bob: Hmm.
Gene: I might just bunk with Gram and Gramps.

Bob: Gene, Louise, you sleep in Tina's room. Tina, you're quarantined. You sleep alone. We'll strap you down or something.
Tina: Leave my lips free!

(Bob is on a ladder while Tina, Gene, and Louise keep bumping into it)
Bob: HEY. Okay, everybody, I have an announcement to make. I am on a ladder. Stop shaking it. I feel like I shouldn't have to say that.

Louise: (does an impression of Grandma Gloria for Bob) Al!
Linda: (from a different room) I'm not hearing this, right?
Bob: Sorry. I mean, she's your gram-gram. We love her. (whispers to Louise) We hate her.

(Bob is in the crawl space of the home)
Tina: (to Bob) Are you in the wall or in my horse poster? Please say 'horse poster."
Bob: I'm a horse. (imitates whinnying)
(Tina Gasps)

(Bob is still in the crawl space)
Gene: (to Bob) Do you see a lion, a witch, or a wardrobe?
Bob: A what?
Gene: (louder) A lion, a witch, or a waaardrooobe?
Bob: Why are you saying that, Gene?
Gene: It's a book.
Bob: Oh, right, right. A kid's book. Yeah.
Gene: Yeah, by Salman Rushdie.
Bob: (scoffs) It's not Salman Rushdie.
Gene: Of course it is.
Bob: It isn't.
Gene: Yes, it is.
Bob: I'm not gonna talk to you anymore, Gene. I'm in a wall. Go look it up though.
Gene: (doesn't look it up) I just did. It's Salman Rushdie.

Gloria: Bob can't fit in the wall. He's overweight!

Al: (to Bob in the crawl space) Uh, I'd like to order a hamburger.

Bob: (instructing Louise to write on the burger of the day board) Okay, so the special comes with feta cheese, and it's called, "Never Been Feta." (laughs at his own joke) Did you hear that? Are you laughing?
(Louise fake laughs)
Bob: I hear you laughing. Are you writing it?
Louise: Yep! "Nevah... Been Feta." (writes "Foot Feta-ish Burger")

Bob: Hey, take this. (hands Gene a can of his pee from the crawl space) That's my pee.
Gene: (holds it away) Oh.
Bob: Yeah.
(Gene groans)

Teddy: You want to stay in the wall, Bob?
Bob: Don't judge, Teddy. Don't judge. There's nothing wrong with a man enjoying his crawl space... till his in-laws leave.

Bob: (to video camera he's borrowing from Gene) And Louise has loaned me her Kuchi Kupi night light.
Louise: Kuchi Kopi.
Bob: Kuchi Kopi. Kuchi Kopi night light.

(Gloria and Al start having sex)
Gloria: Oh! Al! Yes! (starts moaning)
Bob: Oh, my God. Oh, my God, I think Linda's parents are having sex.
(moaning continues)
Louise: I hope they're using protection, 'cause I am not taking care of that baby.

(Zombie #1 start dancing towards Tina in her dream)
Tina: Well, hello. Funny seeing you here. (sees Zombie #2) Woah. Double trouble. (zombie starts making out) Okay, let's do this!
(Zombie #2 makes out with Zombie #1, but starts moaning like her grandma)
Tina: (confused) You sound like my grandmother!
Zombie #1: (with her grandpa's voice) What? I can't hear you.
Tina: And you sound like my grandfather...
(Zombie #1 and Zombie #2 continue to make out)
Tina: (becomes panicked) Please stop touching each other! Please! Stop! Touching each other! (wakes up from her dream) Ah!

(Gene is in his classroom, playing with his keyboard)
Teacher: Gene, you ready to give your report?
Gene: Oh! Uh... (walks to the front of the class, bringing his keyboard)
(Gene looks at a Prohibition poster near the blackboard and gets inspired)
Gene: My grandparents are staying with us, and they were both alive during Prohibition. (gestures to the poster) So, this is what it sounds like when they have sex in the room next to mine.
Gloria: (from keyboard) Ow! Ow! (moans) Ow-Ow-Ow-Ow-Ow!
Al: (from keyboard) What?
Gloria: Ow!
Teacher: (points to Principal's office) Principal's office! Now!
Gloria: Ow! (moans) Ow-Ow-Ow-Ow-Ow!
Al: Right!
(a few students start clapping)

Louise: (pretending to hold a séance at the Restaurant with three other girls) Father, in life, this restaurant was your curse. Now, in death, your restless spirit haunts this place. Speak to us, Father!
Bob: (from the crawl space) Louise, is that you?
Girl #1: Did you hear that?
Louise: (to Bob, looking up with her hands upward) Yes. It's Louise, your daughter. (gestures by pushing up) Go to the light, Father!
Bob: Oh, okay, I see. Very funny, I'm a ghost. Louise: (to girls) Ask him anything you want to know about the other side.
Girl #1: Are you the ghost from the movie, Ghost?
Bob: No. Louise already told you I'm the ghost of her dead dad. Come on, next question.
Girl #2: Are you the ghost from the movie, Ghost Dad?
Bob: (gets impatient) What did I just say? This is what you ask a ghost? You know what this makes me wanna do? (speaks eerily) Eat your souls!
Louise: (stands up on the booth) RUN!
(all the other girls run out, with one tripping)
Louise: (hugging herself) OH, GOD! HE GOT ME! Oh, at least you're holding me now...

Bob: (Bob holds his hand out of the crawl space vent) Come over toward my hand.
Linda: All right, all right. (ushers towards vent)
Bob: Let me stroke your hair the way you like.
Linda: (lowers her head to let Bob stroke it) Oh. (chuckles)
Bob: Isn't this nice?
(Linda starts coughing and hacking)
Bob: Oh, God.
Linda: Excuse me. Sorry.
Bob: Linda, that's your mom's throat clear exactly.
Linda: Yes, and?
Bob: Well, first you make sounds like her. Next time, you'll be yelling, "(imitating Gloria) No burgers! Read your Maxim!" I mean, you already kind of nag like she does! (tries to stroke Linda's hair again but doesn't feel anything) Whoop. Where's the hair?
Linda: I am not turning into my mother! (slaps Bob's hand)

(comes out of the Restaurant's bathroom)
Gloria: That bathroom is filthy! (to everyone in the restaurant) Who was the last person in there?
(Customer #1 points to Customer #2)
Gloria: (to Customer #2) You go back in there and you wipe the seat!
Bob: (from crawl space) Hey, no nagging my customers!
Linda: Don't you yell at my mother!
Bob: What's that, Nagatha Christie?

(Gene comes home late from detention)
Gene: (To Linda) Knock, knock.
Linda: Who's there?
Gene: I got detention.

Bob: (groans) I got a big splinter. (pulls splinter out of hand) Oh, I'm feeling faint... (passes out)

(there are no spiders)
Bob: Uh, there are spiders everywhere! (starts screaming) ON ME! ON ME! (continues screaming) SPID-

Bob: (to Louise's Kuchi Kopi night light) You understand me, don't you, night light?

(at Mr. Frond's office)
Mr. Frond: Tell me—why did you want to have a séance in your family's restaurant? And when exactly did your father pass away?
Louise: (sighs) I forget. (stands up and holds her hands out her hands) Give me your hands. Let's summon his spirit now.
Mr. Frond: If that'll help, sure. (also stands up and holds Louise's hands)
Louise: Okay, I need you to hum with me, please.
Mr. Frond: Hum with you?
Louise: Yeah.
(both of them start humming)
(Louise starts shaking and grunting, pretending to be possessed by Bob)

(in Bob's dream)
Dream Kuchi Kopi: So, your mother-in-law is quite willful.
Bob: Yeah, she is.
Dream Kuchi Kopi: She needs to be... corrected.
Bob: What does that mean?
Dream Kuchi Kopi: Killed.

(in the girls' locker room at school)
Tina: (thinking) I'm so tired. My grandparents are haunting my dreams. I need a nap. I could crawl up in the ceiling and sleep. That's what Dad would do. Yeah, I'm gonna make him proud of me.

Bob: (creepily whispers to Customer #3 eating Gloria's tuna burger from the crawl space) Poison...
Customer #3: (confused) What?
Bob: Mercury poisoning... IN THE TUNA FISH! (laughs maniacally)
Linda: (walks to the crawl space vent) Bob, stop.
Bob: (pretends to be Kuchi Kopi mocking Linda) "Bob, stop." (switches back to himself) Good one, Kuchi.

Bob: Where am I? (runs in the crawl space) Am I here? (runs again) Or am I here?
Linda: Bob—

Tina: (whispering to boys in the boys' locker room from inside the ceiling) Drop the towel...

(Tina, Gene, and Louise are in Mr. Frond's locker room after getting in trouble)
Mr. Frond: Three siblings in trouble in two days? That's a red flag right there (pulls out an actual red flag). What's going on with you guys?
Tina: Our father got trapped in the wall.
Mr. Frond: Is that how he died?
Tina: (to her siblings) Dad's dead?
Louise: Good job, Mr. Frond. We were gonna tell her on Father's Day. Now we have nothing to do on Father's Day!
Mr. Frond: Okay. You know what you are? You are kids in crisis. We need to conduct a home visit today. (stands up)
Louise: (raises fist) Yeah!
Mr. Frond: (gets excited) Okay. Okay.
Louise: (gets up) Let's go over there! (looks at Mr. Frond's puppets) Oh, my God! What are those?
Mr. Frond: Grief puppets.
Louise: Bring 'em. We're gonna need 'em.
(Mr. Frond giggles and grabs them)
Louise: (points to crayons) What about those? Are you gonna bring those?
Mr. Frond: Crisis crayons? You think?
Louise: Crisis crayons, absolutely! I've got so many drawings that I need to do.

(Tina, Gene, and Louise are in Mr. Frond's car outside the restaurant and they see a firetruck and firefighters inside the restaurant)
Mr. Frond: What's going on?
Louise: They probably got complaints about the smell and came to get the body out of the wall.
Mr. Frond: You mean it's still in there?
Louise: Well, parts of him.
Mr. Frond: Oh, my God.
Louise: (looks at Frond) It's a real crisis, Mr. Frond!
Mr. Frond: Yeah.
Louise: It's a crisis!
Tina and Gene: Yeah!
Louise: We're all in crisis!
Gene: I'm in crisis!
Mr. Frond: Alright! Okay!
Louise: (to restaurant) DON'T YOU TAKE MY DADDY OUT OF THE WALL!

Bob: Counselor? What is this, camp? (chuckles at his joke) I'm funny in the wall.

(in the Belcher's home kitchen)
Mr. Frond: (to Linda) Wait— Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho. Your husband is not dead?
Linda: No! Just aggravating.
Mr. Frond: Okay. Why would Louise let me think that he was dead?
Linda: Oh, she just likes messing with people she thinks are stup— (realizes) Iii knowww!
Mr. Frond: What? I—
Linda: How about a burger?

Bob: (pretends to be Kuchi Kopi) Kill him. (switches back to himself) Shut up, Kuchi.

Gloria: (finally frees Bob and breaks through the drywall with their heads) Heeere's Bobby! I found him.

(Bob is out of the crawl space)
Bob: I want to apologize—to everybody. Hiding in the walls was selfish and dumb. And, Linda, I'm sorry I called you Nagatha Christie. It was in the heat of the moment, and it was really dumb.
Linda: Aww. Thank you, Bobby.
Bob: I meant I could do better. Like, Spiro Nagnew. (chuckles)
Linda: Alright. Quit while you're ahead.
Bob: Naggedy Ann? Secretary of Nagriculture?
Al: Ha!
Linda: Now, that one's funny! That one's funny! I like—(chuckles) I'm not a—I'm not a nag. It's funny though. I like it.

(Al and Gloria leave)
Tina: Bye, Gram! Bye, Gramps! See you in my dreams.
Gene: Well, I have a room to re-fart.